was opened.
***
It took me about 2-3 hours to read back all my entries in one of my 4 journals cum dream journals that i had over the years i grew up. 2 of them was left here, in my parent's house in Malaysia, and the other two, I took with me wherever I go, as a sort of memento. [in Athe Cliath].
I always do this.
Reminisce on something which might actually be better if left forgotten.
I myself noticed that I only write especially when I was troubled with something. Where the pain of the trouble would leave me; once I etched it out on my journals, with my almost illegible handwriting.
.
I was amazed to see, that; up till I was in my college days, I did not really came to terms with my sexuality. [whereas, in my mind, I've always thought that I embraced it aeons ago].
The proof was in the entry immortalised in the journals, not once or twice; but highlighted several times.
I'm thinking about maybe writing a letter to ****, telling my experiences, but at the same time, I also want a counselling session regarding my condition.-Saturday 26th january 2003-
Why is it that the condition is always associated with something which is not pure; but disgusting.
-Monday 3rd february 2003-
Hei, last night the strangest thought suddenly occured to me. I don't know why, but it just got to me - I'm not going to have the sensation of one who's in love. I won't, ever.
-Thursday 6th february 2003-
I really hope I can forget everything and get on with my life! Effy just called and asked about the matriculation. I said 'dunno', and was going to ask Mr Z about it this Monday. I really just wish that my life would be normal, and that I'm happy with it.
-Saturday 8th of march 2003-
I longed to be normal, but then again, I don't know what I want actually.
Oh, just turn me back to normal please !!!!!
-Saturday, 8th of March 2003-
It all explains why I am the way I am today. I'm so conservative @ traditional in my thinking. It also explains the little detail that I really hate to admit right now - why I don't have a partner as of yet.
At 18, while I'm still struggling with the question; others are already involved in the joy of the said sex. Yes, promiscuity is a theme shared by all my gay @ bisexual friends [I found that out later in my life]
Although, I've got to admit that luckily for me, I don't hate myself that much; as I've embraced myself now. [although I lost my religion at this point in time - will blog about it later = KIV post I ].
I wonder what everyone elses' experience was like.
p/s: I felt compelled to make a point-of-note. While I was growing up, when boys started to experience these sexual feelings, I myself wasn't excluded from it. One little tidbit that I still remembered was wanking@jerking off to bikini models. Seriously! That was one of the point which confuses me.
When I was small, I got off imagining myself with a girl, although at that point in time, I wasn't obsessed with the v-j yet. I got off looking at lingerie models >> specifically, their boobs. [Oh, what perverted mind I have when I was growing up]
Social conditioning and personal experiences changed all that I guessed. [KIV post II]
