The cause of tonight's event did not transpire out of the blue. It has been boiling since quite some time ago.
A lover's quarrel.
At least that's what people from the outside would call it.
Matter of fact, when you put 2 human beings together they're bound to have quarrel's; tiff; fights; etc.
Maybe I could have handled it better.
Maybe.
Maybe he could have handled it better.
Maybe.
The one thing that irks/annoys the hell out of me is that I'm the one in the relationship that have to say sorry every time these things happened.
I would always put on a facade, and smile and say that it was all my fault; and tonight, like many other nights before it I did. I blamed it on my mood.
Then, he would or would not say sorry back. Depends on him. But at this stage, when I've said my sorry; that means I've buried it on my memory bank. Which means, regardless whether he did say sorry or not would not have made a difference. Maybe slightly. Maybe.
He didn't this time. I didn't expect him to anyway.
***
As I've said in an earlier post, it's amazing how the mechanism in our brain works.
Went back home. Went to my happy place ie the verandah.
Climbed the verandah, and sat on the very edge of it. 3 floor high. I might fall. I might not.
That's why it's my happy place.
Nobody intervenes. It's a suitably cold night. A wanted environment. Wind was blowing. Background music is courtesy of a floormate upstairs - watching a movie.
It just works. The combination of the night being still, silent, cold and most of all, wanted; might just slightly have manipulated my brain into thinking that everything's fine now.
You might feel like you wanted to just jump when you were climbing the verandah.
You might feel like the world, your world is ending.
You might feel like crying your heart out to everything.
You might feel numb in a sense, from all the flood of the emotions.
But at least, now your brain has been duped into thinking that EVERYTHING'S FINE.
Cue my current theme song, appropriately from Jónsi; sang in English but in his usual Hopelandic+Icelandic tone.
♫
I want to be a lilikoi boy lilikoi
You grind your claws, you howl growl
Unafraid of all colour
You run, you're free, you climb and dress trees
You reignite
You growl, you howl, you show your teeth
You bite, it's alright
Say no more, use your eyes
The world goes and flutters by
Use your eyes, you'll know you are
Use your eyes, the world goes and flutters by
Use your eyes, you'll know you are
Why me, my boy, you burn so bright
Do you illuminate?
One day you're out, you give up the fight
You slow down heart-rate
We all grow old, use your life
The world goes and flutters by
Use your life, you'll know you are
Use your life, the world goes and flutters by
Use your life, you'll know you are
Electricity wires are down
Rainbow colours fade into brown
I dreamt you were smiling, shifting for good
Courageous boy, now you are gone
And run past the years, no place to go
Your spirit is grand, so life goes on
You are
You are
I want to be a lilikoi-boy ooooh
You grind your claws, you howl, you growl
Electricity wires are down
Rainbow colours fade into brown
I dreamt you were smiling, shifting for good
Courageous boy, now you are gone
You run past the years, no place to go
Your spirit is grand, so life goes on
You are ..
You are ..
You grind your claws, you howl growl
Unafraid of all colour
You run, you're free, you climb and dress trees
You reignite
You growl, you howl, you show your teeth
You bite, it's alright
Say no more, use your eyes
The world goes and flutters by
Use your eyes, you'll know you are
Use your eyes, the world goes and flutters by
Use your eyes, you'll know you are
Why me, my boy, you burn so bright
Do you illuminate?
One day you're out, you give up the fight
You slow down heart-rate
We all grow old, use your life
The world goes and flutters by
Use your life, you'll know you are
Use your life, the world goes and flutters by
Use your life, you'll know you are
Electricity wires are down
Rainbow colours fade into brown
I dreamt you were smiling, shifting for good
Courageous boy, now you are gone
And run past the years, no place to go
Your spirit is grand, so life goes on
You are
You are
I want to be a lilikoi-boy ooooh
You grind your claws, you howl, you growl
Electricity wires are down
Rainbow colours fade into brown
I dreamt you were smiling, shifting for good
Courageous boy, now you are gone
You run past the years, no place to go
Your spirit is grand, so life goes on
You are ..
You are ..
♫
Yes.
The world is now at least bearable. O_O
